How to write a letter to a disrespectful adult daughter (2023)


what do you say to aungrateful daughter?

She's been pushing all your buttons lately, and it's gotten to the point where you're afraid to interact with her.

Nowhere in her parenting books did she find useful advice on dealing with adult children who disrespected their parents.

But here you are dealing with a child who refuses to acceptresponsibilityor who is constantly trying to take advantage of you.

It's tiring. Phone calls won't get you anywhere and your face-to-face conversations turn to screaming.

After this,Why not write a letter instead?

What is in this post:


(Video) Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships (Part 1) - Dr. John Townsend
  • How do you deal with a disrespectful adult daughter?
  • How to write a letter to a disrespectful daughter
    • 1. Decide on the behavior to treat.
    • 2. Be clear about how you want to support your daughter.
    • 3. Put yourself in your daughter's shoes.
    • 4. Take responsibility for your actions, not your daughter's.
    • 5. Define your terms. What does it mean to be disrespectful?
    • 6. Define your goals for the relationship.
    • 7. Decide if (and how) you will deliver the letter to your daughter.
  • Sample letter to a disrespectful daughter
    • Are you going to write your daughter a disrespectful letter?

How do you deal with a disrespectful adult daughter?

How do you approach a disrespectful adult daughter when she uses yourspast mistakesagainst you every chance he gets?

How can you get him to stop blaming you for the mess in his life and take responsibility for his own actions (or lack thereof)?

After she left the house, you thought, "Okay... maybe I can breathe a little easier now." Pretty quickly you realize: If anything, she worried you MORE.

You may recognize some of the following behaviors:

  • Calls you at odd hours, hoping you'll drop everything to help her.
  • Come in to do your laundry and eat your food without asking or calling first.
  • Asking you for money because you spent all of her on "things I need".
  • Review past mistakes to blame him for giving him what he wants.
  • Talking badly about you to your family members to get them to side with you against you.
  • Stealing or abusing your property and, if caught, lying about it.
  • Freezing you to punish you and only reaching out if he wants something.

Is this the young woman who ever wanted to be this big? Do you clearly remember her doing and saying mature things at some point? Now she acts like an oversized little kid. What happened?

And what can you tell him that will change things for the better?

How to write a letter to a disrespectful daughter

The following steps will help you answer these questions:

  • What should you focus on?
  • What to say and how to say it
  • That is yoursrelationship goals?
  • How will you work for them?
  • What do you expect from her?
  • Would you like to send the letter?

Use them as a guide to writing letters to daughters who don't respect their mothers. If it helps you, it can help other moms too.

And you are definitely not alone.

1. Decide on the behavior to treat.

He wants his daughter to finish reading the letter. Don't write a book and don't try to cover everything at once. Consider which behaviors need to be addressed immediately:

  • Phone calls late at night or early in the morning (non-emergency)
  • Arrive unannounced to do laundry, eat food, etc.
  • Steal from you or accuse you of giving them money etc.
  • Babysitting you for free, whatever your plans
  • Talking bad about you to your face and behind your back

Think about what bothers you most about their behavior and why. That's what you want to write in this letter.


2. Be clear about how you want to support your daughter.

How will you continue to support your daughter and make it clear that you love her and want her to be happy? After all, you're not going to cut them out of your life.

They just want your support to get the best results possible. You want to help her become the responsible woman you know she can be.

How would you react if he criticized you for not doing something?she loves youdoing for you? What does she expect from you that you can't or won't give her?

3. Put yourself in your daughter's shoes.

Often the best way to know what to say (or write) to your daughter is to put yourself in her shoes and try to see her situation through her eyes. How does she see your relationship? How can she see him like this?

How to write a letter to a disrespectful adult daughter (1)

Try to empathize with them to understand where their hostility or disrespect is coming from.

The better you understand it, the better you will know how to start, how to articulate your message, and which approach is most likely to resonate with you.

More Related Articles:

39 sick signs of a dysfunctional family

31 harmful words to eliminate from your vocabulary

13 heartfelt sentiments to include in a letter to your daughter

4. Take responsibilityTuactions - not those of his daughter.

Don't blame yourself for your daughter's disrespectful behavior. She has no right to use her parenting mistakes as a convenient excuse.

She might have something against you and justify her behavior by pointing out something you did or said that hurt or offended her.

Be sure to take responsibility for your own behavior. butshe isresponsible for how you treat other people, including yourself, your father, siblings, etc.


Whatever others have done or said, no one canmakeshe is disrespectful.

5. Define your terms. What does it mean to be disrespectful?

What does "disrespect" mean to you? Compare it to the appearance of respectful behavior. Define your terms so that you can clearly explain what you see and what you want.

Make it clear that you want a relationship based on thatmutual respect. You're not just demanding respect because you're the parent and they're the parentadult child. They also don't expect a full presentation.

You want me to treat you (and other people) like thisis he aroundwant to be treated

6. Define your goals for the relationship.

Of aRelationshipIt goes both ways, what are your expectations of you and your daughter? Are they compatible with your daughter's expectations?

How to write a letter to a disrespectful adult daughter (2)

How do you see your relationship in a year? As you wish? How are you going to get from here to there?

Also, ask him about his goals. How does she see her relationship in a year and how does she feel about it?Wishto be? Do you want the same things?

7. Decide if (and how) you will deliver the letter to your daughter.

It's natural to worry about your daughter's reaction, especially when she is threatened with harm, when you don't obey her wishes, or when you set boundaries for yourself.

Once you've finished your letter and decided she needs to see it, it's up to you to figure out the best way to send it to her: through the mail or in person.

Let your daughter know when and how to reach you. Establish reasonable contact times during the day (no 2am calls to vent or complain).

Sample letter to a disrespectful daughter

To get you started, here is a sample letter you can refer to for ideas. May it inspire you to write what is in your heart.

dear daughter],

I am writing this letter to put things right between us and hopefully make our relationship the way we want it to be.

(Video) "Handling Disrespect and Abuse From Your Adult Alienated Child" Dr. Joshua Coleman

you know i love you And I want you to have the best life possible now that you're an adult. You are experiencing much of what I experienced when I was your age. And I remember how hard it was for me.

But some things make life harder than it should be. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be writing to address these things. Please read this to the end.

For both of us, the following behaviors need to stop:

  • [List the disrespectful behavior that bothers you the most and makes it difficult for you to maintain a loving relationship with her.]
  • For example: “Call me after 9pm or before 8am to discuss something other than life or death. These are bedtimes and I want you to cut back on non-emergency calls between the hours of 8am and 8pm. m. and 9 p.m. m.

Just as I want to respect your personal boundaries, I ask that you respect mine. Before you do any of the things I mentioned, ask yourself if you want to receive.

It's not about the mistakes I've made in the past. You and you alone are responsible for your own actions and how you treat others, including your parents.

I hope that after reading this you will reflect on what I have written and talk to me about how we will proceed. I want to have a better relationship with you. We both have to work on that.

Always remember that I love you!

His mother

Are you going to write your daughter a disrespectful letter?

It's easy to use the word "should" against you, especially if you're a parent. But mistakes are part of education. It is important that you learn from them.

After that, you can benefit even more from sharing what you've learned with your children, whether they're adults or not, especially when they're disrespectful or taking advantage of you.

Your letter is the perfect place to share relevant lessons you've learned as a parent, as well as your reasonable expectations of her as a person.

The sooner you learn to deal with this, the better for both of you.


(Video) Recognize adult child manipulation


What do you do when your daughter turns against you? ›

Consider getting your child into therapy where he or she can discuss the beliefs that has turned him or her against you. Try not to take your child's behavior toward you personally, and instead work to build an even stronger loving and trusting relationship with your child so that he or she feels safe with you.

How do you deal with an ungrateful daughter? ›

Point out Ungratefulness

When you hear your child say or do something that shows an ungrateful attitude, point it out. Be specific without being insulting. For instance, avoid saying something like, “Stop being a brat.” Instead, say something like, “Complaining about not getting more presents is ungrateful.

Why is my grown daughter so rude to me? ›

She Doesn't Have Healthy Coping Mechanisms

If your daughter doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with strong emotions, she's likely to lash out at others. This means that whenever she's going through something, she will effectively make life miserable for those around her.

Why is my daughter so hurtful to me? ›

Teens want to feel that they're more in control of their relationships and lives. They're striving for an increased sense of independence. These feelings often translate to disrespectful, rebellious behavior. According to an article by Psychology Today, children can sense parental stress and will react negatively.

What is a toxic mother daughter relationship? ›

One common way toxic mothers overstep boundaries with their daughters is by micromanaging their lives. If your mother continues to dictate your appearance, career, or romantic choices, or even meddles in your life long after you've reached adulthood, that is a sign of toxicity.

What is a dysfunctional mother daughter relationship? ›

Dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships can come in many forms. Often it can take form in criticism, where a daughter feels like she's constantly getting negative feedback from her maternal figure. Sometimes, it can take the form of detachment. “Some women are simply not close to their mothers,” says Wernsman.

What do you do when your daughter gives you attitude? ›

7 ways to deal with teenage attitude problems
  1. Offer advice only if your teen is open to it. ...
  2. Set clear boundaries together with your teen. ...
  3. Give your teen autonomy. ...
  4. Stay calm. ...
  5. Spend quality time with your teen. ...
  6. Don't take bad behaviour personally. ...
  7. Build your teen's self-confidence.
Mar 19, 2022

Why does my daughter disrespect me so much? ›

The reasons behind disrespectful behavior include the perfectly normal and healthy process of your child growing up and away from his identity as a younger child. Teens naturally seek more independence as they get older, and mild disrespect is one way that independence gets expressed.

Why does my daughter say hurtful things to me? ›

When your child says hurtful things to you, it's usually an expression of frustration or loss of control. Parents often forget that kids are communicating with brains that are not fully formed. The mean words are their way of expressing feelings rather than describing their actual feelings about you.


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